Most days, I do well. I keep my outlook strong and my head held high, but some days I find myself in the middle of my very own personal pity party. Moments of grief for there person I used to be, the life I thought I would have, who I thought I would be “when I grow up.” I have moments of anger for the way I feel, and the situations I face. I get frustrated with myself for not physically being able to do all that I want to do. I get frustrated with the people around me for being healthy, and living the life that I sometimes desire.
I don’t hate who I am, and I don’t despise my illness or the situations that I face. I believe everything in life is meant to shape us into something or someone, for the benefit of another person. I believe one day my story will help someone else and that is why I want to share it.
I have full faith in the plan that God has for my life. I have full faith that I will amount to everything I am meant to be. There are just some days where I would really like to chat with God and ask him “what the hell am I supposed to do with all this?”
I know what to do, I know how to get over myself, and leave my little pity party. I know that the key is to live for who I am today, what I can do today. But today I am a student, getting my pre-requisites done for something that I may never be able to do and it would be the biggest lie, if I said I don’t have days where I question everything and crave answers.
But here’s the thing I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, what will happen a year from now. I don’t know what my career will be or what will happen to my health in the future, but in reality; NOBODY KNOWS. Nobody knows when they are going to die, when their health will take a turn for the worst, or when their life will get completely shaken up. Nobody knows when their life will change for the better, when they will suddenly find a cure for their illness. People who have won the lottery don’t wake up and say “you know what today I’m going to win the lottery.” Things just happen, and it is not up to us or our timing. We determine our attitude and our ambition.
Everyone has bad shit they have to deal with, everyone questions their future, everyone has days where they just feel down. This does not make me weak or pessimistic. It does not make me selfish or self-sabotaging. This makes me human. Fear, doubt, worry, self pity, and pain, all make us human, just as much as joy, health, hope and happiness.
I can’t predict my future, I can’t say what happens next, neither can the healthiest, happiest person on the plant, nor can the saddest, sickest, most hopeless person.
All any of us have is today, this moment. What are you going to do with the moment you have in front of you, to make the best of the life you have right now?