Living for “when”

I came to an an abrupt realization today. I have been living for “when”.

I was diagnosed five years ago with POTS, which I believe I have been living with since I was 14. When I was diagnosed, POTS was just becoming a thing. Nobody really knew what it was, how it happened, or how to treat it. I was told that “most people grow out of it.” So since my diagnosis I have been sitting here planning for when. I changed my major to Psychology after diagnosis, so that I could wait to go through nursing school WHEN I got better. Upon graduation, I took time off and started working to make money until I got better. When I got too sick to work, I decided to go back to school so that I could live off of financial aid and get my nursing pre reqs done so that I was ready to go when I got better.

But I’m not growing out of POTS, if anything I’m growing into it. I’m not getting better, I may actually be getting sicker.

This isn’t a pity party, this is a realization. I can no longer live for “when I get better.” I can no longer prepare for a day that may never come, because what kind of life is that?

I have to live for now, I have to live for who I am now, and what my body and mind can do now. If I can never be a nurse, that is okay. That doesn’t mean I can’t help people, and that doesn’t mean that I can’t fulfill this passion in my soul.

I don’t know what the future holds, I don’t know how my life will turn out, all I know is that I won’t fail to live the best, most healthy life I can NOW.

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